Friday, February 8, 2008

Valentine's Day Hell

I am in hell and I can’t seem to escape it. Every time I turn around there’s another TV commercial, billboard or window display reminding that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Yes, I will be alone on Valentine’s Day and the Universe has missed no opportunity to rub it in. Okay, I will admit that I’ve pretty much been in a relationship of one sort or another for most of my adult Valentine’s Days and had been so busy naively baking heart shaped cookies for the Rat Bastard, I never noticed how insidious this “holiday” really is.

Every online merchant I’ve ever shopped with is sending me emails suggesting gifts for that special someone. I mean every online merchant. Not just Godiva, but Pottery Barn and Who knew UGG boots were a Valentine’s Day tradition? Of course now that I think about it they were pretty cute and, since I’m the special someone I’ll be shopping for, maybe I should take another look at that email... but I digress. The scariest Valentine’s Day plug I've been assaulted with was the radio commercial for KY Jelly I heard this morning. Yes, that’s right KY Jelly wants to be part of your Valentine’s Day festivities. The fact that they were playing an ad for personal lubrication products was disturbing enough on its own. What really got me was the realization that, at the rate things are going, by the time I have sex again KY Jelly will no longer be a racy option. It will, sadly, be a necessity.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

If I trusted the Universe, I'd say it was a good day!

Much to my surprise today has started off quite well for me. I woke up early instead of late. I saw a cute guy at my local Starbucks. When I got to work there was not only a bottle of wine from a friend, but a Hostess cupcake waiting for me. Now really, I don’t think it gets any better than wine and the sugary goodness that is a Hostess brand snack cake, so needless to say I was thrilled! Of course this means I am now waiting for something bad to happen since I don’t think I’m technically allowed to be, well, happy.

My biggest fear is that the something bad will involve a TiVo malfunction. Since I have no life, or more specifically since the life I have is filled with a job, grad school and internships which seem to get more miserable by the day, I take pleasure in the little things (drinking wine, spending money I don’t have, etc.) Right now Duke Basketball is one of those little things. And it’s not just because there’s nothing else on TV due to the writers’ strike. The Devils are playing really well right now, despite not having a true big man, and tonight is the first meeting of the year with UNC –one of the greatest rivalry games in all of sport—so I'm really looking forward to the game. Plus, I happen to think Greg Paulus is hot. Not hot in the way Alex O’Loughlin or George Clooney are hot (you know, actually GOOD looking), but hot nonetheless! I happen to have a thing for scrappy point guards from Duke and the way he's stepped up his play lately has been impressive. Anyway, the point is, I have class tonight and won’t be able to watch the game until I get home so I have to trust the Universe not to interfere with my TiVo Season Pass. And I don’t trust the Universe. Especially not after it has lulled me into a false sense of security with Hostess brand snacks and unexpected bottles of Pinot Noir.

Of course, if TiVo functions properly AND Duke wins, maybe I'll have to reconsider my trust issues.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Money Can't Buy You Love, but it Can Buy You a Marc Jacobs Handbag

Finally! After much angst and introspection, I've finally come up with a name for this blog. A name that conveys my deepest feelings about where I am in life. And where I am in life is the fast lane on the road to ruin. Financial ruin mostly. The reason is simple. Life is just too short. Too short to drink cheap wine. Too short not to take that trip to Paris. Too short not to have a Marc Jacobs handbag.

I was once like you. Living for tomorrow. Worrying about the future. Then my rat bastard ex-boyfriend dumped me three weeks after my mom died. Yes, he waited an entire three weeks. Quite the charmer, huh? Well, I spent quite a bit of time in the self-help section. Overcoming Anger, Overcoming Fear, Overcoming Cheating Liars Who Lie and Then Want to Stay Friends. Then I realized I really needed to overcome self-help books. I achieved this with retail therapy. And vodka. I've been much happier ever since. Am I still bitter? Oh, hell yeah. The Universe clearly hates me! I'm stuck in a job I loathe and the ex still insists on being friends--whatever that means, but you know what? I'm going to Paris with my new Marc Jacobs bag next month and I expect to drink a lot of very expensive wine.