Wednesday, February 8, 2012

10 More Signs Your Life is Seriously Fucked Up

It's hard to imagine, but my life may actually be worse than when I wrote the original post: At any rate, here are Ten MORE signs your life is seriously fucked up.

1) You have started fantasizing seriously about a life of crime. Not just the "hey, we should run drugs" kind of thing you might say to be funny, but more along the lines of if I registered a business with the secretary of state under someone else's name and created invoices... This is REALLY REALLY illegal! Why would this even occur to me? What the hell?

2) You spend nearly $600 and several hours filling out the initial paperwork to register for eHarmony and only one guy from your hundreds of matches (many of whom you actually sent a smile to first--see earlier post: emails you. Even though he's not really your type, you decide to reply. And get no response.

3) You volunteer to put together a fundraiser for a local charity only to realize you have neither enough money nor enough friends to make it happen.

4) You fantasize about having yourself committed to a mental hospital on a daily basis.

5) The last time you had sex was in a different decade.

6) You are nearing the age of retirement, but still haven't figured out what you want to be when you grow up.

7) Your car has tape holding it together in at least one spot.

8) You have a student loan the size of a mortgage, but will never afford a house.

9) You and your friends spend a frightening amount of time devising elaborate suicide plans, but none of you find this alarming.

10) You've started drinking PBR so you can afford to drink more even though you're a beer snob AND you've opened $100 bottles of wine at home alone because you've run out of the cheap stuff, and were either too fucked up to drive to get more or just didn't care anymore.

Friday, January 6, 2012

The Accidental Handbag

Have you ever accidentally purchased something? A new Coach bag for example? It happened to me very recently. I had a perfectly good reason for being in Bloomingdale's. I was looking desperately for a menorah for my holiday party. I had tons of last minute details to take care of and quickly checked their holiday decor section. No luck. I was heading rather quickly for the exit when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a sale table in handbags. Can't hurt to have a quick look. And there it was, a shiny, black patent leather Coach bag. Reduced 30%. 30%! Talk about irresistible impulses. There was a split second of "oh Helen, you don't really need this and shouldn't be spending money" which was replaced in an instant by "ah, but it's Christmas and Scrooge may give me a bonus this year..." It all happened so fast. Before I knew it, I'd swiped my card, signed the screen and was out the door carrying a Medium Brown Bag with my new treasure nestled inside. I didn't mean to buy it. Indeed, my intentions upon entering Bloomie's were quite pure. And so I maintain that I purchased the bag by accident. A very happy accident as it turns out.