Mom Really Did Know Best

Ladies, remember when your mom used to tell you it was just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it was a poor man? Or perhaps it was a great aunt Sally or a good friend who encouraged you to marry "well." If you're anything like me, of course you scoffed at the strong whiff of "gold digger" this advice gave off. You weren't in it for money or security (how old fashioned!). You were in it for love. Besides, you're a modern woman and can take care of yourself just fine, thank you very much. So, like me, you too have probably spent too many years with a guy who it turned out was never going to marry you (of course he ended up marrying the very next girl he dated after only six months), dated "the love of your life" artist/musician/writer who was chronically underemployed (which was so cool and anti-establishment when you were 20, but smacked of irresponsible loser when you were 30), or really thought you'd found "The One" only to find out he was cheating on you. All of which leads to people buying you spinster cat lady tote bags and drinking alone on Friday nights. So what's the point of this little waltz down memory lane? Aside from the obvious fun of picking at old scabs, I mean? Well, I'm older now and, every once in a while, wiser. Today I had a moment of wisdom. It came to me, as most of my best thoughts do, while having cocktails with a friend. Here it is: If I had taken that advice I'd be divorced by now. Yes, that's right. And cashing my alimony checks. Oh sure, I'd still be drinking alone on Friday nights, but the wine would be so much more expensive.

Okay, I'm Putting It Out There

A friend of mine, I'll call her Perky Patti, recently told me that I should not discount the possibility of hooking up with David Tennant because, in her words "stranger things have happened." Somehow I doubt it since David is known to date hot, young blonde girls and I'm well, not hot, not young, not blonde (spinster cat lady, remember?) Anyway, Perky Patti said I should just "put it out there." So, here I am putting it out there. Since I want to give the Universe a little wiggle room, I offer a description of the basic qualities I would want in a man generally--just in case Mr. Tennant is busy (with a blonde, I'm sure). You will note there are a number of caveats. At first glance this may seem like overkill, but I happen to know the Universe has a really wicked sense of humor. If you aren't really specific, the Universe will use it against you. Although I'm skeptical, here goes.

Dear Universe:

Please send me one British man. Must be gainfully employed, single, straight, free of STDs, well-educated, non-violent, of solid moral character, non-addicted, non-misogynist, non-ego maniac, non-nazi, non criminal, non-lunatic with common sense and a good sense of humor. Must enjoy travel, wine and/or beer and/or cocktails. Interest in history/literature/politics/art/fine dining a plus. Must be willing to learn to love NFL football. Must be hopelessly in love with me, forsaking all others, as long as he lives. Strong resemblance to David Tennant a plus. Actually being David Tennant preferred (unless of course David Tennant is actually a misogynistic, ego-maniacal, crack-addicted, lunatic queen with the clap).


Thank you for your time.


xoxo


Helen

Hum4God

As you know I hate people. And here's just one more reason why. So, I'm driving along and I see a Hummer H2 with the license plate Hum4God. Really? Really? Look arrogant, religious vanity plates annoy me anyway, but you are driving a Hummer, mother f-er. A HUMMER. I'm pretty sure God is going to smite you for fucking up his planet.

In the Pink

You may recall that I work for a branch office of a large international law firm, aka the Festering Pit of Despair. Well, it looks like layoffs have officially started in my branch of said Pit. I am so NOT prepared to face a pink slip right now. I realize nobody ever is, but I literally have let my finances skid out of control in the past 10 months...not the best timing. Do I want out of the FPoD? Yes? Do I want out like this? HELL NO! I've already cut my spending way back in preparation for the worst, but I need a several months to get things at least minimally under control. Not sure if I have it. The anxiety around the office has been growing over the past few weeks as every day brings news of another firm doing layoffs. Everyone I know, no matter what their industry, is going through the same. My department has already had some cuts in the hq office so I've been on pins and needles for a while...not much any of us can do about it though. Time to employ whatever coping mechanisms you've got. To that end, I just opened one of my new value wines. (quite tasty, btw)....here's to all those who've already been handed pink slips. I wish you all the best in getting through this mess. And to the rest of us still waiting...bottoms up, baby.